"it" just moved
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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