Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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