is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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