Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
