My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
