Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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