I never want to see another naked old woman again.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
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Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
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She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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