In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
