Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
