a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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