Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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