get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
