i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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