The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
