Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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