Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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