I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
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I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
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It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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