Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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