you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
