Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
