Me. At least after what I've been through.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
