i may or may not be watching the land before time
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
