after a month anything with tits is on the radar
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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