I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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