I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
