i need an iv and a liver transplant
Your dad touched me again.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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