My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
