we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize