Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
