i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
