Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
