Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
