Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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