I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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