ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
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