We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
