my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
