just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
