Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
