My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
