woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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