Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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