Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
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And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
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I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me