Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
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Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
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She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong