I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??