Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
