I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
