my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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