I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I would fuck him just for his dog
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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