I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
