my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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