When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
