I'm lost and stupid without you.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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