bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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