The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
