Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
