Don't make out with my wife yet
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
