Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
